Senna

As many racing fans may have known already, the award-winning documentary Senna was broadcast for the first time on cable television last night when ESPN2 aired the film at 10:00pm ET.

I watched it for what has to be the twentieth time and I would just like to take this time to air out my thoughts and feelings before seeing it and after viewing it again.

When I first heard about this film it was premiering in Japan. I could not wait for this film to come state-side. Sure enough, I waited and waited and waited. During that time my grandfather was suffering from esophageal cancer and we would always watching racing together. Didn't matter what it was. IndyCar to NASCAR, Formula One to MotoGP, we watched it all. My grandfather's battle was very difficult. He had stretches where he was great, really active and you wouldn't think he had cancer at all. Other times he was very tired and wouldn't want to do anything. Around January of last year we had found out that the cancer had spread and a few brain tumors where developing. He had to go back on chemotherapy and was really struggling. I continued to visit him , pretty much every weekend from when he was first diagnosed in October of 2009. We continued to watch races together. Either I would head to their house or he would come over to my house. The last race I remember watching with him was the Barber IndyCar race in 2011. I don't remember watching Long Beach with him and I am not sure why that is but anyway, in case if you are wondering this is where the film and Ayrton Senna come into the story.

The week after Long Beach was Easter Sunday and I was on the Internet one day and someone brought it up that 2011 would be the 17th anniversary to the day of Ayrton Senna's tragic accident. That stopped me for a moment. Senna is without a doubt one of my favorite drivers all-time because of who he was on and off the track. At that point my grandfather was doing well, he wasn't as good as he was before but he was OK. It hit me that it was a really real possibility that my grandfather, the best friend I have ever had, could pass on the same day as my racing hero. I didn't want that to happen but I knew how real it could be.

The Tuesday before Easter comes around and my family gets a call, my grandfather isn't feeling well. My father takes him to the hospital and I go with them. The doctor's give him treat him and he goes home. Two days later he has had to be taken to the hospital after having a stroke in the middle of the night. The doctor's say he would not make it past Easter Sunday, April 24. At this point I am at the hospital everyday. Sunday rolls around and he is still alive. Monday comes he is still alive. The doctor's say we have to get him out of hospital and put him on hospice. Meanwhile I have a student from Germany coming to my house to stay for three weeks. Anyway, the days go by and my grandfather is still here. I am attending events with this student and we have a trip to Amish country from 6am to 6pm on Saturday April 30th. We go and when we get back I decide that I have to go see my grandfather and check IndyCar qualifying from Brazil. I drop the student off at my house and my father is there. He had just gotten back from my grandfather's and tells me that he is gone. I was devastated. I try to hold back all emotions and turn on IndyCar qualifying just to gather myself. I get someone to take the German student out for the night as I am going up to my grandfather's to see him one final time in his house.

I kept thinking, "this is how it's suppose to be" and "it had to be this way." Two of the biggest people in my life were suppose to die, while years apart, but almost on the same day. I kept thinking of Senna at my grandfather's. We turned on the NASCAR races because the Cup series was at Richmond that night and it's what my grandfather and I would have been doing anyway. The days past and when the funeral was over, I could not stop thinking about my grandfather and Senna.

They had never met, nor were probably ever close to meeting. While I did not have the fortune to share this Earth with Ayrton Senna for long, only 26 days, since I first learned of the man, I have been drawn to him. Over my life I done all I can to learn about him. I watched whatever video of past races I can find to see him race, listened and read what people around motorsports have said about him. This man of deep faith and this great will to win appealed to my from the time I was young.

I really struggled with my grandfather's death and was still struggling when I went to see Senna at the Ritz at the Bourse in Philadelphia. I believe it was the Tuesday after the Sonoma IndyCar race because I was going to go that Sunday morning but Hurricane Irene came and shut everything down. I saw the film and felt the film was fantastic. My father, who knows nothing about racing, nothing about Senna, doesn't like racing one bit, went with me and he of all people enjoyed the movie. I was stunned about that.

After watching the film again last night and after all that has happened since I first saw it, my love for Senna and racing is reconfirmed. Senna wanted to race. He hated the politics, did not want money to get in the way and wanted to race at it's purest form. Any race fan can appreciate that. Senna was lightning in a bottle. I do not think any driver in my lifetime has come close to what Senna could do with a race car. And no driver may ever come close.