In what has to be the most ridiculous post of this blog's history, I match each IndyCar driver to treats you are likely to find trick-or-treating tonight. I'll be honest, this was a ridiculous idea I thought of when planning for tonight. I'm not even sure how I started matching IndyCar drivers to candy. It just happened and I couldn't stop.
Some pairings make more sense than others. Don't take any of this pairings too seriously. This is just for fun. No harm is meant in this post.
Let's start with our champion.
Scott Dixon: Snickers
Like a Snickers bar, what makes Dixon arguably the best driver out there is he has it all. Great on ovals (chocolate), great on road courses (nougat), great on street courses (peanuts) and great at qualifying (caramel). This combination is what every driver wants to be. It will satisfy any team owner and sponsor everyday of the week.
Tony Kanaan: Reese's
Remember that commercial (probably the only commercial besides the APEX Brazil and IndyCar Nation commercials Kanaan has been in) featuring Kevin Harvick and Kanaan? This is why Kanaan is a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Also, like Reese's, who doesn't like Tony Kanaan? Everyone likes Tony Kanaan.
(Except those with peanut allergies who we match with xenophobes for this purpose. It's a joke people. Don't take it seriously.)
Ryan Hunter-Reay: M&M's
You can't go wrong with either Hunter-Reay or M&M's. They are both the go-to candy and driver when in need. Just as how you hope grandma has M&M's in candy dish over anything butterscotch, Hunter-Reay is the driver you want on your team. Whether it's a single car effort or a four horse stable, Hunter-Reay is a driver you will not be disappointed with just like M&M's.
Marco Andretti: Kit Kat
Andretti made great strides in 2013 but you can't help but feel something was missing. Kit Kat bars are the same way. They are great but they are missing something. Sure you enjoy them but they aren't the Snickers bar that is Scott Dixon. You won't turn down a Kit Kat but every now and then you need that little bit more.
James Hinchcliffe: Jolly Ranchers
Hinchcliffe makes everyone happy and is a colorful character. He can be... well... jolly as can be, doing impersonations and making you laugh. But every now and then you get a lemon Jolly Rancher and you see the honest side of Hinchcliffe that will disagree with a bonehead move or executive decision.
Dario Franchitti: Hershey Bar
The traditional chocolate bar you can't go wrong with. Simple. No one will be disappointed with a Hershey bar or Dario Franchitti. You will take a Hershey bar eight days a week just as you'd take Dario Franchitti as your driver.
Justin Wilson: Twix
The Twix bar is as underrated a candy bar as Justin Wilson is a underrated driver. How Twix bars aren't the go-to candy bar just like how Justin Wilson isn't the go to driver of choice is beyond me. No one would turn down a Twix bar just as no one would turn down Justin Wilson yet he is still at Dale Coyne and is turning Coyne's team into a formidable pair of cars on the grid.
Simon Pagenaud: Starburst
Pagenaud is a Starburst. After back-to-back finishes in the top five in points, Pagenaud is a great choice and so are Starburst. Pagenaud's success on every circuit matches the juicy flavors that Starburst offers from cherry to watermelon, you can't go wrong with Starbursts (except lemon).
Josef Newgarden: Skittles
You never know what you are going to get with Newgarden, same with Skittles but this is all in a positive way. Skittles have character and so does Newgarden. He is the young driver keeping everyone entertained and has what it takes to be around for a long time.
Sébastien Bourdais: Life Savers
Not sure how to explain this but Bourdais' success matches that of Life Savers. You always seem to bump into someone with Life Savers. They are a successful candy in everyone will eventually have Life Savers on their person, same way you will find Bourdais at a race track, whether it be in IndyCar, Le Mans Prototype or a Formula One car and you will be happy he is there.
Charlie Kimball: Milky Way
Milky Way is a good chocolate bar but not the best. Charlie Kimball is a good driver but not the best. But if offered you'd take Charlie Kimball the same way you'd take a Milky Way. There is nothing wrong with it, it just isn't your first choice.
Graham Rahal: Tootsie Roll Pop
1...2...3... How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? How many races until Graham Rahal gets career win #2? Hard to believe it will be nearly six years between wins for Rahal when the 2014 season starts up at St. Petersburg but he will only be 25 years old when the season starts. He could go another year without winning a race and still have a successful career with many wins and a championship and who would remember his drought? Ryan Hunter-Reay didn't win his title until he was 31, Ed Carpenter didn't win a race until he was 30, hell Johnny Rutherford went over eight years between his first and second win and didn't win his first race until he was 27 and still won three Indianapolis 500s and a title. Plenty of time for Rahal.
Ed Carpenter: Mr. Goodbar
Not much to complain about either Carpenter or a Mr. Goodbar. Both are sufficient. Carpenter does lack on road and street courses but he sure makes up for it on ovals. A Mr. Goodbar is only chocolate and peanuts but that's all you need at times to be a successful candy bar.
Tristan Vautier: Dots
You aren't sure if Dots are good or not but you will try them for a while before you have a definitive answer. At times you think they are really good, other times you wonder what you are eating but are not completely turned off to the point you will never have them ever again.
Simona de Silvestro: Toblerone
Swiss chocolate, Swiss driver. You won't complain about either one of them.
Takuma Sato: Nestle Crunch
Self-explanatory.
AJ Foyt: Jawbreaker
Once again, self-explanatory.
Will Power: Sour Patch Kids
Sour then sweet. He will give you two middle fingers and then come off as the nicest guy on the planet.
Helio Castroneves: 3 Musketeers
Three-time Indianapolis 500 winner that is promoted towards women. Seriously think about. Nothing against either but 3 Musketeers commercials always feature women and Castroneves was on Dancing With The Stars (don't get me wrong, I watched every episode he was on. Didn't vote though. Sorry didn't care enough to vote. He still won so don't take it personally).
James Jakes: Mounds
It's one of those candies that you really don't know who eats it but they are popular enough to stay around. Jakes is the same way. He's one of those drivers who won't be the predominate favorite on race day but is good enough to get results and remain on the grid.
Oriol Servià: Hershey's Kisses
You don't realize how good they are until you are eating them. You don't realize how good Servià is until he is in a race car. Remember he missed all of 2010, returned in 2011 and finished fourth in the points behind Franchitti, Power and Dixon. He is way more talented than he gets credited for.
Mike Conway: Twizzlers
Cause he only races on the twisty road and street courses and their is nothing wrong with that.
Luca Filippi: Kinder Bueno
Most of you have never heard of Kinder Bueno but it is produced by the Italian company Ferrero. Just like Filippi, Kinder Bueno looks like it has the potential to be a really good chocolate bar with it's hazelnut filling.
Ryan Briscoe: Tim Tams
They aren't candy, rather a chocolate biscuit, an Australian delicacy. Briscoe brought some home from his V8 Supercars trips and they look delicious.
JR Hildebrand: PayDay
This is what JR Hildebrand needs. After losing his ride at Panther and only getting two starts with Herta late in 2013, Hildebrand has a lot to prove and was arguably the best Honda all-time at Fontana.
Alex Tagliani: Gummy Bears
Everybody likes gummy bears. Everybody likes Alex Tagliani. But are they anyone's first choice? The answer is very rarely.
EJ Viso: Candy Corn
You get excited about each at the start of the season but then realize they are only acceptable on rare occasions yet they keep returning each year.
Sebastián Saavedra: Apples
Apples are good and you should never turn down an apple but when it comes to Halloween, save them for Thanksgiving pies. Saavedra is the same way. Good driver but he has yet to show his speed in IndyCar. If a driver could make a living in Indy Lights, Saavedra would likely become what Jason Keller was to the NASCAR Nationwide/Busch Grand National Series and there is nothing wrong with that.
Juan Pablo Montoya: Twinkies
Both are making comebacks. Twinkies have been back for a little while now and who isn't happy Twinkies are back? Montoya is returning and who isn't happy Montoya is returning?
With that said, Happy Halloween. Don't eat too much candy tonight. Remember everything is good in moderation.
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